I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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