Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
