I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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