I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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