I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
