Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
