I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
