so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
