Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
