$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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