she woke up with a sticky ear
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
