One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
