I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
