Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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