ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
