Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
