I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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