Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
