I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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