I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
