How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize