in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize