god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
