just come out here and I will go home with you...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
