every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
