The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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