All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
