when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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