After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
