My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
