those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
