John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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