Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
