...so i touched it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
