whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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