legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
