I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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