Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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