i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have feelings that need drinking.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
