Im at strip club and am horny
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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