so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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