do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
worst night to have a conscience
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
