New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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