The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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