Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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