i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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