The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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