I wish I only lived at night.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
