I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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