new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
