I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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