Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
