its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
