after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
