I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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