i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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