He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
