my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
time to smoke my breakfast
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Alive.
So much puke
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
