Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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