So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
