so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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