just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
