I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
