I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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